Return to Sender, Part 2 Author: Elsa Frohman Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: BtVS is over now Summary: Getting Spike back from the beyond, version 238.
"Well, aren't you going to ask me in?"
"You don't look like a vampire, mate."
Spike eyed the six-foot-plus, green-skinned demon standing
outside his door. It, whatever it was, was smiling affably, and
the horns were really just little nubs, and he was holding a
picnic hamper. The blood-red eyes were a bit jarring though.
"Don't have to be a vampire to be polite."
"What do you want?"
"Think of me as the Welcome Wagon lady, cupcake."
Spike stepped back and let the demon, who was wearing an
impeccably tailored, but unconscionably loud suit, sweep by
him.
"This may seem rude, but I don't give a shit. What are you? I've
never seen..."
"I bet you haven't, sweet cheeks. Aren't many like me hanging
around this dimension. I'm Lorne."
"And you're here why?"
The demon had found the kitchen and was spreading a white
tablecloth over the Formica-topped table.
"A friend of yours wanted someone to check up on you. Make
sure you're eating regularly and all that."
"Harris. You're a friend of Harris'..."
"Not bosom, really... Only met him once. Seems like a nice
enough guy -- if a little ordinary."
A Chinese carryout container came out of the picnic basket
along with two plates, plastic flatware and a bottle of red wine.
"Moo-goo gai-pan?"
"So, you meet Harris once, and you decide to become my
Jewish mum..."
"Hey, you saved the world. Didn't they tell you? For that you at
least get someone to pop by and see you're doing OK. It's in the
fine print. Have some wine. It's an Amberhill Cabernet
Sauvignon 1999. You need something to put the color in those
cheeks, crumbcake."
"Oh, you know about that..."
"Got the whole fabulous story. Tell the truth, I wish I had the
film rights -- though I think we'd have to make it a movie of the
week. Don't think we could get financing for a blockbuster out
of it. I'm thinking Peter Horton could play you."
"Bollocks on that! Way too old!"
"Too old? What are you, 150?"
"Yeah, but I look good for my age."
"OK, Horton looks too old. How about Scott Bakula?"
"At least get someone who can do the accent! How about
Adrian Paul?"
Lorne chuckled. "Don't know if we could get him to bleach his
hair... Ooo, but Jude Law is always ready to alter his appearance
for his art -- and may I say tres good looking, too."
Spike tucked into the moo-goo gai-pan. Now that he was eating,
he had to admit he was hungry.
"How long since you've had an actual meal?" Lorne asked,
giving him a quick, assessing look.
Spike shrugged. Xander had been gone two days. He'd had a
bowl of cereal yesterday...
"That's something you've got to get used to. Vampires don't
have to eat everyday. Humans do."
"Yes, mum."
"If you'd ever met my mother, you wouldn't call me that."
The green-skinned demon poured two glasses of wine. He let
the conversation die for the moment, just watching Spike eat
Chinese food.
For Spike's part, he was focusing on the meal, which tasted
pretty good. Better than good -- it was wonderful. One of the
surprises that came with his new status was that food tasted so
much better on a living tongue. He'd enjoyed food as a vampire
-- most highly spiced dishes, such as those chicken wings they
served at the Bronze -- but since returning he'd been finding that
there was a whole world of subtle flavors his vampire senses
hadn't detected. It was sort of like what people said it was like
when they stopped smoking.
And if he could have worked up any enthusiasm about anything,
he probably would have been eating his way through the
restaurants of Los Angeles -- and gaining weight. As it was, he
was having trouble remembering to put anything in his mouth.
"So, tell old Lorne, doll face, how are you doing?"
Spike shrugged.
The demon raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing with
yourself?"
Another shrug.
"Have you even been outside this apartment?"
No response.
Lorne sighed. It had seemed like the former vampire was
warming up at first, but now he'd retreated back into his shell.
"Come on, bon-bon, don't make this harder than it needs to be,"
Lorne said. "I'm in your corner here."
Spike looked up and fixed him with intense blue eyes.
"Appreciate the effort, mate, but I don't think..."
"You don't think I know what you're going through. Fair
enough. Nobody ever thinks anyone else knows. But I know
more than you think I do, and I could know a lot more -- if
you'll just help me a little."
"Look, I appreciate the Chinese eats. But I don't think there's
much..."
"You let Lorne do the thinking. All I need you to do is sing me a
little song."
Spike stopped and put his plastic fork down.
"Look, I don't know who you are. You say you're here because
Harris asked you to check up on me, but how do I know you're
telling the truth? You walk in here with your basket of take-
away, and suddenly you're my best mate. But I'm sitting here
with a green-skinned guy in a suit that makes his complexion
look -- ordinary -- and don't you think I ought to find all this just
the slightest bit dodgy?"
"Come on, sweetie. I'm sitting here with a former vampire who
got off the midnight freeway and skipped the pile-of-dust exit
ramp. Don't tell me I'm the odd one. As for the best mate thing,
got any others?"
"I never thought I'd live to see the day when I said I miss
Harris..."
"Your big, cuddly, construction worker crumpet has scampered,
so you're stuck with Kermit the Demon for now."
"Now just a minute. Harris and me ain't..."
"Yeah, I know. I saw him. And he can barely carry a tune.
You're not demon enough for the likes of him these days. You'd
fall over if you knew where he's headed..."
Spike blinked.
"Why do you want me to sing?"
"That's how I read people. That's my thing."
"If I was going to go along with this, and I'm not saying I am --
what should I sing?"
"Just pick something that speaks to you. What you choose is
part of it."
"All right," Spike said with a frown. He stopped for a moment
to find the tune that had been running through his head the past
few days. He cleared his throat and started:
"When I'm lying in my bed at nite
I don't wanna grow up
Nothing ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
"How do you move in a world of fog that's
Always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
"When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever want to be that way
I don't wanna grow up
"Seems that folks turn into things
That they never want
The only thing to live for is today...
"I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
I don't wanna grow up
"I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good Boy Scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up"
Spike stopped when he noticed the shocked expression on
Lorne's face.
"You OK, mate?"
"Um... yeah. That was a shock, but not exactly in a bad way, if
you know what I mean."
"You've kind of gone from kelly to mint there -- sure you're
OK?"
Lorne took a deep breath.
"Wow...
"You weren't exactly telling Harris the truth when you told him
you didn't know where you'd been or how you got back..."
"Didn't think the boy was exactly going to grasp it..."
Lorne nodded. "Probably right about that, honeybun."
"So, got any advice?"
Lorne shook his head. "I'm not sure I completely get what I just
saw. I've got to stop reading people who have been off the
mortal plane. It really screws with my head."
"I'm not the only one?"
"Oh, believe me, that was a lot better than the other. That one
knocked me on my ass. That was different, believe me."
"So there was no point then..."
"Wouldn't say that, sweet stuff. Got a lot to digest here, but the
main thing I'm thinking is, you're sort of stuck between what
you were and what you're becoming right now. You picked a
Ramones song, but that's not really where you are now, is it? I
mean, the Rebel Without a Cause is sort of history, isn't he?"
"Dunno..."
"That's the thing about growing up. It sneaks up on you. One
day you wake up and it's happened, and there's not much you
can do about it."
"That your advice? Suck up and be a grown up?"
"That's not your problem. Right now, you're sort of shell-
shocked. Where you've been... here... Not an easy transition."
"Tell me about it," Spike said quietly.
He looked away. "Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and
violent."
Lorne waited for him to go on.
"But this isn't hell. I've seen that, too, and this isn't it."
"You're going to be OK, blondie. You've just got to step off that
board and get back in the pool."