Loquor Angelus

Author: Elsa Frohman
Feedback: elsa@frohman.net
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Disclaimers are useless.
Spoilers: Through S6
Summary: September is here and Angel is back from the deep.
(Never mind how... who the hell knows?) Buffy finally talks
about her feelings.


"OK, I'm on pizza detail," Buffy said as she headed for the
door. "Back in a flash."

Dawn and Anya continued sorting through the new inventory
for the Magic Box. The repairs were complete and the shop
would be opening in just a few days.

Anya was planning a grand reopening sale. She was all but
drooling at the prospect of having cash coming in again after a
summer of writing checks for repairs. But there was a lot to do.
Shelves had to be stocked, prices had to be attached, grand-
opening posters had to be painted.

"Hurry back," Dawn replied. "I'm starving!"

"Don't forget the Crazy Crust and drinks," Anya added.

"I'm on it."

Buffy stepped out onto the street. Little Caesar's was only two
blocks away, and Anya insisted on saving the delivery charge
by picking it up. Buffy had jumped at the chance to get out of
the confined space of the magic shop for some fresh air.

She started down the street and walked right by him before it
registered. He was facing the building, clearly hoping she
wouldn't notice, but you don't have that sort of relationship
with a man and forget what he looks like -- even from the back.

"Angel!"

He turned around and looked embarrassed. "Buffy. Um...
you're looking good."

"Um... you too. What are you doing here?"

"Oh... um... just running a little errand. No biggie."

"Why didn't you call and tell me you were coming?"

"Just a quick visit, Buffy. Do my business and get back to LA.
Didn't want to bother you."

"Ah... OK. Um... nice seeing you."

"Um... yeah... Just going to do my ... thing ... and leave."

Buffy sighed. "OK, I'll let you get back to your secret none-of-
your-business-Buffy thing."

"Um... no, it's not like that..."

Buffy put her hands on her hips and waited for an explanation.

It was Angel's turn to sigh. "I just needed to talk to Spike.
Someone said he's been around here."

Buffy shook her head. "He left. Haven't seen him all summer."

Angel blinked. His mouth fell open for a moment before he
collected his wits to speak. "He was here before that, and you
knew it, and you didn't dust him?"

Buffy blinked. "Of course not. He's been working with us --
most of the time."

"Spike?"

"Yeah -- you didn't know?"

"I guess I'm behind in my Spike news. How did that come
about?"

"Long story."

"I can't believe you never mentioned it."

"I don't remember the subject coming up any of the times I've
seen you since then."

"I guess not. So, any idea where he went?"

Buffy shook her head. "No idea at all -- but I think that was the
point. You might ask Clem. He might know -- though he
swears he doesn't. Could make a difference who's asking
though."

"Who's Clem?"

"Demon. Buddy of Spike's. He's been living in Spike's old
crypt, but this time of night you'll probably find him at
Willy's."

"So let me get this straight -- Spike, the slayer of slayers, has
been working with the Slayer, but now he's left town and
doesn't want you to know where he went?"

"Yeah -- that sums it up." She stopped and looked at the
ground. "Look, this is none of your business, and I wouldn't tell
you except I caused a lot of trouble by keeping this secret, so
I'm sort of doing penance."

She took a deep breath. The next sentence spilled out in a
cascade of words. "I sort of had a thing with Spike, and it
ended badly, and he cleared out."

"You what???"

"You heard me."

Angel was incredulous. "Spike? You and Spike?"

"OK, you get one free expression of shock and dismay. Any
more and I'm going to start getting pissed," Buffy said, her eyes
narrowing.

"Sorry... it's just ... I don't know. Sort of hits me as bizarre. Of
all people..."

Buffy's expression darkened.

"You don't know anything about it. You don't know what he's
been like these past three years. So, I don't want another lecture
on the 'evil dead thing,' if you don't mind."

"No, it just strikes me that the last time I saw Spike, just about
three years ago, he was pretty happy about having me tortured.
I'm finding this a little hard to swallow."

"You don't have to swallow it, Angel. It's none of your
business. You and me, we're not together anymore. Who I
chose to be with is my business and nobody else's."

"OK, OK, Angel said," holding up his hands in a gesture of
supplication. But then he dropped them to his sides and
frowned. "No, it's not all right. Maybe we're not together
anymore, but I still care, and I still look at our time together as
something -- precious. But now, what am I supposed to think?
Any old vampire will do for you?"

The blow came out of nowhere and knocked him into the wall.
He slid to the ground.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"I swore I was going to deck the next person who accused me
of having a thing for vampires. I really thought it was going to
be Xander, but he's been holding his tongue."

"What am I supposed to think?" Angel said angrily, picking
himself up off the ground. "After Willow went to all the
trouble of bringing you back, this is what you do with your
new life?"

Buffy went red in the face. "I didn't ask to be brought back. But
since I was, this life is mine. I'm nobody's property. And if you
don't want another demonstration of slayer strength, maybe
you'd better get on with your business and get gone," she said,
spitting out the words as if they tasted nasty.

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just a little thrown, that's
all. I apologize."

Buffy nodded, but continued to frown.

"Well, I guess I'd better get along to Willy's..."

Buffy's expression softened. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit
you. Another one of my personal challenges is to stop hitting
people when I'm angry or frustrated."

"I'm tough. You didn't hurt me."

"Yeah but ..."

"It's OK. Really."

Her face screwed up into a barely suppressed sob. "That's what
he said," she said, her voice catching. "But I did hurt him. I
can't stand being like this... Buffy the mean, violent bitch.
When did I turn into a bully? Is that who I used to be?"

"No... you're not a bully. You're the Slayer. You've got to be
tough. You wouldn't survive."

Buffy shook her head. "I don't know any more. It's one thing to
fight evil. It's another all together to beat up someone you care
about. I did that, Angel. How could I have done that?"

"I don't know... There must have been a reason."

Buffy shook her head. "No reason. I was frustrated. I was
hating myself. I was hating anybody who would love someone
like me. It was horrible. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I
haven't told anybody..."

"Maybe you need to talk."

Buffy nodded. "Maybe, but I don't have any right to lay this on
you. I'll just go get my pizza..." She started to walk away.

"Buffy..."

She stopped and turned back. "Yes?"

"Is that why he left?"

She shook her head. "No. He stayed a long time after that.
Even after ... well, never mind."

"Go ahead. It'll help to talk about it."

Buffy was silent for a moment while she gathered her thoughts.

"You were surprised I let Spike live in Sunnydale and never
staked him. Well, I did destroy him -- I just left him alive after
I did it. After I stopped hurting him physically, I kept hurting
him in other ways. I wouldn't even acknowledge him as a
person. He loved me, and I used him, and then wouldn't even
admit that he was worthy to talk to me."

"He loved you..."

"Hard to believe, isn't it."

"No. That part I can believe with no effort whatsoever. I know
Spike, and loving is his best gig. Always was. He could be one
violent son of a bitch, but that was always secondary. And
nobody has to convince me that you're worthy of being loved."

"I'm not racking up a lot of successes on that front."

"It will get better..."

"I wish I believed that. I'm afraid it's too late. I drove him away
and he's never going to come near me again."

"Do you want him to?"

"I don't know. I just don't know. I want a chance to make up for
what I did. But I don't know..."

"Do you love him?"

"Oh God... how many times did I say absolutely not? But I'm
not sure. I was so messed up. I couldn't feel anything. Now that
it's too late, I keep wondering how it would have been if I'd
been -- alive. I was here -- walking around, eating, sleeping,
talking -- but I wasn't living. I was just going through the
motions. I don't think anyone can understand..."

"I can."

"I know how you were when you came back, but I wasn't like
that. I was just -- walking dead."

"And Spike took care of you. That's so him."

Buffy nodded. "And I repaid his patience, kindness and ... other
things, with anger, violence and disdain."

"I know how hard it is to get going again after you've been
brought back to this dimension. You deserve to give yourself
some slack."

Buffy gave him a little smile. "Hey, you're being pretty cool
about this..."

"Frankly, the thought of you with Spike -- deep inside, I'm
freaking, big time. But I think I can understand -- on an
intellectual level. And I want you to be happy..."

"Happy -- wonder what that's like?"

"It's coming, Buffy. You've survived the worst times. The good
times will get here."

"You think so?"

"I'm certain of it."

"So, if you find Spike, you'll tell him it's safe to come back?"

Angel laughed. "Hmmm... not sure about that... I'm feeling
very mature and accepting at the moment, but who knows if it
will last."

"What did you want him for, anyway?"

"Oh... just a little family matter. But, actually, what I thought --
well it might not work out now."

Buffy gave him a questioning look.

Angel sighed. "It's Drusilla. She's come back to LA and she's
kicking up some trouble. I sort of have a problem with killing
her -- unless I absolutely have to. She's family...

"I thought Spike might help me get her under control. He's the
only person who's ever really been able to handle her. But, all
things considered, I may have to look for some other way to
deal with her now."

Buffy went pale. "You want to get them back together?
Wouldn't that be sort of tempting the fates?"

Angel shrugged. "It was just a thought. I made Dru, I suppose
she's my problem to solve."

"Look, I've got a pizza waiting for me... and a hungry little
sister and a vengeance demon waiting for me to bring it back.
Maybe we could get together later?"

Angel smiled, but he shook his head. "Think I'm going to go
home now. Asking Spike to clean up my problem -- that wasn't
the best idea I've ever had."

"Oh..." She gave him a sad smile.

"Look, if you still want to talk, why don't you give me a call. I
have a cell phone now..."

"OK. Thanks."

"Buffy..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember the first thing I ever told you about Spike?"

She shook her head.

"When I came to the library and Giles was trying to find Spike
in his Watcher books..."

"Oh, yeah -- you said he doesn't give up until everything
between him and what he wants is dead..."

"Spike never gives up. He'll be back..."

"You think so?"

"Yeah... I'm sure of it."

The End.