The Fever, Part Sixteen Author: Elsa Frohman Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: Post Chosen. This is my AU AtS S5. Summary: Spike is back, and he's human -- sort of. He's
working for Wolfram & Hart as an outside contractor.
As the meeting broke up, Spike walked past Knox, pausing just
long enough to say: "Ethics. Check into it."
He glared at the young scientist for a moment and moved on.
Fred was the next to approach Knox.
"I think we need to have a long talk." Her steely voice and
unsmiling eyes conveyed her absolute seriousness.
The questions left on the floor were mostly about who was
riding home with whom. Lorne was talking to Gunn and
Wesley. Angel had already left to wait outside.
Spike slipped into the shadows between the stacked crates and
containers and considered what to do now. He could hook back
up with Gunn and Ralph, but Spike really didn't want to go
there at the moment. The question of what had happened to
Gunn's truck was hanging in the air unresolved. Gunn loved
that truck. Spike had seen that clearly enough in the weeks
they'd known one another. He was certain there was going to
be some blame assigned sooner or later, and he really wanted it
to be a later when he was nowhere around.
A hand touched his arm, and he startled slightly. He really had
to be more aware of his surroundings, he told himself. Nobody
would have been able to sneak up on him this way in the old
days.
It was Maria, and he relaxed.
"What happens to me now?" she asked.
Spike shrugged. "It's all up to you, love."
"No more tests?"
"Not if I have anything to say about it."
"Well, that's good, at least," the dark-eyed vampire said with
relief. "You're just going to let me walk away?"
Spike patted his jacket to find his cigarettes. He pulled one out
and put it between his lips as he fished for his lighter in his
trouser pocket.
"I don't have any reason to stop you," he said around the
cigarette.
"Don't you?" Maria asked, her head cocked slightly.
"I know what you are, pet. I know what your body is telling
you that you need. I'm not going to pretend I think you're going
to walk out of here and start on a brown rice and grapefruit
diet.
"But if I come across you next week and you've got your fangs
sunk in some poor sod's neck, I'm going to have to dust you.
So, you just go make up your mind about what happens next.
"You've hurt nobody I know of right now, so as long as that's
the case, you're free to go where you want and do what you
please."
Maria smiled, her eyes twinkling with humor that only she was
appreciating.
"And what is your body telling you that you need?" she asked
with a slight smirk.
"Nothing you'd be interested in, love," Spike said, bringing up
the lighter to the cigarette.
"You're not fooling me, you know," Maria said. "Do you think
I can't feel it when I'm near you? It rolls off you like steam off
a hot cup of coffee."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "And what's that then?"
"Loneliness. You're aching for a woman. You were never one
to go it alone."
"I think you're mistaken, pet. I'm doing just fine. Got friends.
Got a mission. Don't need somebody else to tell me who I am."
Maria gave him a skeptical look.
"I remember what you used to be like," she said. "Back when
you were with Dru. You were solid. You were her anchor. The
shadows reached out to touch you in supplication when you
walked by. You were somebody. When you walked, the earth
shook beneath your feet."
Spike laughed. "I think I was a bit stealthier than that."
"You know what I'm talking about," Maria replied. "Your aura.
I've always had the knack for reading them. You were whole
when you were with Dru. Now, you're an empty shell. There's
a hole in you. You pretend that everything is all right, but you
ache for someone to hold -- someone to take care of."
Spike snorted. "You don't know what you're talking about,
pet."
"Don't I?" She stepped close to him and put a hand on his
chest. "Your heart beats, but who does it beat for?"
"For me," Spike said with a slight smile.
"You're not fooling me," Maria repeated, looking up into his
face.
For a moment, he was almost caught. But years with Drusilla
had taught him to recognize a thrall when it was being thrown
his direction. He snapped free of her influence and looked up.
His heart sank as his eyes met Ralph's. The other vampire had
seen the whole thing -- and heard it as well, vampire hearing
being what it was.
"Excuse me," Spike said with a slight frown, taking Maria by
the arms and moving her away from him.
Maria turned around and smirked at her former companion.
She'd heard his approach and knew perfectly well that he was
watching her come on to Spike.
"I... I was just going to tell you, Gunn says the limo can drop
you back at your place," Ralph stammered. He seemed to be
deflating like a beach ball with a hole in it. He hung his head
and turned to go back to the others. Spike could see the
younger vampire's newfound confidence draining away by the
second.
Spike glared at Maria.
"I'm not after your bird, mate," Spike called after Ralph.
The vampire didn't turn back to face Spike, but he stopped
walking.
"It's OK. Really. Not your fault if she prefers you. I mean, who
wouldn't?" Ralph asked quietly.
"Now, don't start that..." Spike began to say -- but he stopped
himself. If there was anything he understood, it was that there
were moments when a man didn't want to be patronized. He let
the younger vampire go and turned back to give Maria a piece
of his mind.
He was alone. She'd used the distraction to slip away. Spike
frowned and took one more drag on his cigarette. He shook his
head slightly and dropped the butt to grind it out with his heel.
Ralph wandered back to where Wes, Gunn, Fred and Lorne
were waiting for him.
"Spike coming?" Gunn asked.
Ralph looked at the ground and shrugged.
"Where's your lady?" Gunn pressed.
"Don't have one," Ralph mumbled. He scraped the floor with
the toe of his boot, concentrating on not making eye contact.
Gunn frowned. "That quick? Man, if she dumped you that fast,
she wasn't worth worrying over in the first place."
Ralph shrugged.
"Let's go then. A couple of drinks will make it all seem for the
better," Gunn said with a kind smile. "What's your poison?"
"I don't drink." Ralph hung his head and sighed deeply.
"You talk, don't you? You talk, I listen. Come on, let's get out
of here," Gunn replied.
Ralph shook his head. "No. Sorry. I know you're trying to be
nice. But... I think I just want to be alone now."
The vampire started to walk away, but Gunn blocked him.
"Nope. No way. Look, man, something happened to you
tonight -- something big," Gunn said. "And getting dumped --
that's nothing. Happens to everybody sometime or another. If
you think I'm going to let you walk out of here and go back to
hiding in basements and dumpster diving, you've got another
think coming. You've got friends now, man."
Ralph's mouth tightened. "So, what am I supposed to do? Go
out and eat somebody?" he asked bitterly.
"Say what?"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," Ralph said,
avoiding Gunn's eyes. "I may not be a coward anymore, but I'm
still a vampire. Maybe this isn't such an improvement. I'm not
sure I should be around people, after all."
Lorne had been listening to all this. He stepped up and put a
hand on Ralph's shoulder.
"I don't usually butt in where I'm not asked," the Pylean demon
said kindly. "But I've gotta say, cupcake, you're putting off
vibes like nothing I've ever seen. I think you're pretty confused.
I might be able to help."
Ralph gave Lorne a puzzled look.
"Lorne can read people," Gunn said. "All you've got to do is
sing something for him. You should try it. He can make things
clearer for you."
Ralph looked uncertain.
"Look, we'll go over there, and it'll just be you and me," Lorne
said, dropping most of the Las Vegas smarm that usually oozed
from his voice. "Nobody else has to know what I see. Private
consultation."
"You don't know me," Ralph said with a frown. "Why are you
so eager to help me?"
"Well, for one thing, it's what I do. But for another, I'm dying
of curiosity. I'm not sure I've ever seen anything like you."
"Nothing special about me," Ralph said bitterly.
"Oh, you're wrong about that -- a whole world of wrong, bon-
bon," Lorne said, slipping back into his accustomed demeanor.
"I look at you and I see big neon lights that say special."
"Do it, man," Gunn said. "You won't be sorry."
"You've got nothing to lose," Lorne said with one of his
patented you-can-trust-me smiles.
Spike decided to walk home. It was a couple of miles, but not
too far for a walk and some fresh air -- or what passed for fresh
air in Los Angeles.
The impulse to light another cigarette occurred to him, but he
resisted. To tell the truth, he'd noticed Maria's distaste for
tobacco early on, and since he'd been around her, smoking had
been as much a tool for keeping her at arm's length as anything
else.
He'd been thinking of quitting anyway. These new, functional
lungs were as good an excuse as any.
He decided to slip out the back way, avoiding the rest of the
gang. He didn't feel like explaining why he wanted to be alone
for a while. He made his way between the stacked cargo
containers, navigating away from the low hum of his friends'
voices. He was pretty certain there was a way out away from
the main entrance where everybody else was gathered.
The air smelled of packing crates and sawdust. The paths
between the pallets of stored goods were just wide enough to
allow a forklift to pass through, and Spike experienced a mild
feeling of claustrophobia as he walked through the warren of
narrow passages.
He was only slightly surprised when Maria dropped down from
on top of one of the stacks to block his path. She gave him a
flirtatious smile.
"Sorry, love. I meant what I said. Not interested."
"OK," Maria said ironically. "I'm not the love of your life. But
you've done me a good turn, and I'm not so evil that I can't be a
little grateful."
"Send me a thank you note," Spike replied, stepping forward to
walk past her.
"Oh, take the stick out of your ass," Maria sneered. "All I'm
offering is a bit of feel-good."
"That's the thing, love. Wouldn't make me feel good."
"Wouldn't it? How do you know? When's the last time you had
a nice, no-strings-attached roll in the hay?"
Spike snorted. "Give it up," he said. "Believe me, there are
always strings attached. Even for your kind."
He started off, hoping she'd let him go without any further
protest. It was too much to hope for.
"You used to be my kind, you know." She was in front of him
again.
"I'm only too aware of that fact." He moved up to look down
into her face menacingly. "Get out of my way," he said firmly.
Maria smiled and put a hand up to touch his face. It started out
as a gentle gesture, but at the last moment, she hooked her
finger and swiftly scratched his cheek with her fingernail,
drawing blood. Spike reared back in surprise.
She brought the finger up to her mouth slowly. Her tongue
slipped out to lick the blood from her fingernail.
"Mmmm..." she said, looking intently into his eyes. "You taste
good. Strong, but not overpowering, with a touch of spice...
Not like just any old human." She licked her lips.
Spike was incredulous. He touched the scratch and brought his
hand away to look at the blood.
Maria stepped toward him, smiling. "You could be like you
used to be," she said in a low voice. "No guilt. No regrets. The
world laid out before you for the taking."
Spike shook his head. "No guilt, no regrets -- no thanks."
Maria laughed. "What good is that beating heart?"
"I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain, love. You'd
never understand."
"We could be good together," Maria purred. "It hasn't been the
same for me since Ramone has been gone. It hasn't been the
same for you since you lost Dru."
Spike snorted. "You don't know me at all."
"So you keep saying. But I think I know you better than you'll
admit. You say you're not lonely. But I know better. Come
back to us, Spike. The night wants you. You don't belong in the
sunshine..."
"Not a chance, pet. Now, scarper off and leave me be."
"It'll be good, Spike," Maria cooed.
"I'll be blunt," Spike said with a frown, looking away to avoid
Maria's eyes. "You can't take me, love. You don't have a
prayer. And if you try, I'll have to kill you. I really don't want
to do that.
"You're not getting the whole 'change' thing. You're a vampire,
and vampires resist change like nothing else in the universe,
sweetheart. God, how I know that. But I've seen the spark in
you. You could see it, too, if you'd just give it a chance.
"So, I'm telling you to clear off and leave me be. Maybe
someday you'll get it. That's how it happens. I know that now. I
can't make you want to be something more than you are. You
have to want it for yourself."
He looked back, but Maria was gone. He shook his head and
started to walk.
"Spike..." His name drifted down from above. She'd gone up
again -- looking for a spot to get the drop on him.
"Don't try it, Maria. I mean it," Spike said, a note of irritation
creeping into his voice.
"It will all look different once you're among us again."
Her disembodied voice was hard to pinpoint. He craned his
head to get a fix on her location.
"I don't want to do this," he said quietly.
"Then don't. You can belong again."
"Doesn't work that way, love."
"You won't dust me."
"Don't count on it."
"You want to make me good. Maybe you can. Come with me
and you'll have an eternity to convince me."
Spike didn't bother to answer. He was pretty sure of her
location now. He concentrated on keeping his guard up.
Maria made her move. She swept down on him, locking her
arms around his neck and trying to get her fangs in. He
slammed himself back against a stack of packing crates,
knocking her loose with little effort. She fell to the floor, and
Spike turned to glare down at her.
"You get that one for free, sweetheart. But that was your last
chance. Now, go."
Maria -- in full game face -- sneered up at him.
"You'll never stake me. You're too tender-hearted." Her tone of
voice made it clear she wasn't complimenting him.
"You've lost your edge, Spike." She stood up, and turned to go,
but unexpectedly turned back and launched herself at him
again, this time catching him off guard.
The struggle was short. Spike outmatched her by a wide
margin in strength, weight and height. He got hold of her and
pushed her far enough away that he could swing his fist. She
reeled back from the blow.
"How many last chances do I get?" she sneered as she
recovered her balance.
Spike didn't answer. Instead he advanced on her, his eyes cold.
The contest ended suddenly and unexpectedly as Angel stepped
around a corner and plunged a stake into Maria's back. She
dissolved into a cloud of dust, the final expression on her face
one of surprise and disbelief.
Lorne and Ralph sat on a couple of upended boxes outside the
warehouse under a clear, star-strewn sky. A sodium-vapor
lamp high up on the side of the building put a spotlight on
them. Ralph had just finished a not-entirely-unpleasant
rendition of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore." His voice was a
reedy tenor, but he had a good sense of pitch and rhythm.
Lorne rested his chin on steepled fingers and took a long look
at his companion.
After a long pause, he smiled. "Well, if that doesn't beat all," he
said quietly.
Ralph waited for an explanation.
"Drusilla is your sire, am I right?" Lorne asked.
Ralph nodded. "Is that important?"
"Don't know, crumb cake," Lorne replied thoughtfully. "But
she is the one thing the three most unusual vampires I've ever
encountered have in common."
"Spike, me and ... who?" Ralph asked.
"Angel."
"The guy back in there? He's one of Drusilla's?"
Lorne shook his head. "No, she's one of his. Angel's your
grandsire."
"Oh..."
"Not that it's terribly important. Though, I think we'll be able to
guilt Angel into staking you to some digs and glad rags
because of it."
"Not sure I care about anything like that," Ralph said, looking
down at his hands in his lap.
"Never underestimate the lift you can get from a fine suit of
clothes," Lorne said with a smile. "A good tailor is worth his
weight in chocolate. Clothes make the man, moon pie."
"So, new clothes and an apartment are going to change my
life?"
Lorne laughed. "No, of course not. You're in charge of the life
changing. And doing a bang-up job of it, I might add."
Ralph raised his head and looked Lorne squarely in the eye.
"Why am I like this?" he asked. "Because Drusilla was my
sire? Because she was insane?"
"And still is, from what I hear," Lorne replied evenly. "But, no,
that isn't the main reason. It may have contributed. She may be
passing out an essence that's a bit wonky. But from what I see,
most of what you are comes directly from you -- from what's in
your heart.
"You were hiding out for a long time -- since long before you
were turned. You had yourself so well hidden that when the
demon came knocking, he never managed to kick you out. You
survived your own death, cupcake. I don't know of anyone else
who can say that."
"My soul? I still have it?"
Lorne shook his head. "No. I thought when I first heard about
you that we might have another souled vampire on the loose.
But one look and I could see that Angel still has the exclusive
there. At least, he's had it since Spike traded up to the daylight.
"But the soul isn't all that matters, cookie. If it was, how could
Spike have made the choice to win his back? There are other
things that make us who we are.
"Your defining moment came long before Drusilla sucked you
dry. Something happened, and you took a big hit to your sense
of who you were."
Ralph studied his hands in his lap again. "I thought I was one
of the good guys. Then I found out that the good guys burn
villages and kill defenseless women and children."
Lorne smiled sympathetically. "So you went away to live in a
world where the good guys are always heroes and the bad guys
always lose in the end."
Ralph nodded.
"Welcome back to real life, sweet thing. It's messy, sometimes
unpleasant, nearly always confusing, but there are
compensations. All the world has to offer is here for you now.
What you do with the rest of your slice of eternity is
completely up to you."
"But now that I'm not afraid to go out of my basement, won't I
start wanting to kill people and drink their blood?"
"You tell me. How do you feel about that?"
"I don't think I could," Ralph whispered.
"Back inside earlier, when Maria asked if she could eat people
again, I think I realized right then that I couldn't be with her
anymore. And she'd never want to be with me, either. I'm not
like her. I was fooling myself. The only reason she was with
me was she was desperate to survive," Ralph said uneasily.
Lorne nodded. "Like I said, sometimes real life is messy.
"But you know, you've made a giant step tonight. You've come
out of that other place where you were hiding and started living
again. It might seem like everything ought to be better now.
"But that's not what living is like. There are big 'YES'
moments; and you'll know you've got it right when they come.
Those times, you're Superman. You can leap tall buildings with
a single bound. Save damsels in distress. Save the world if
you've got the chutzpah to try.
"And then there are the slap downs. And when they come, you
just hold onto your hat and keep going. You can't expect
everything to work out.
"But, somehow, I think you've figured that out already."
Ralph nodded.
"So, tell old Lorne, what do you want to be when you grow
up?"
"I want to help people," Ralph said carefully. "But I don't really
think I want to be a demon hunter like Spike or Gunn."
Lorne raised an eyebrow.
"There must be some way I can make things better, without
fighting all the time."
"Very good, cupcake. My philosophy exactly."
Spike gaped at Angel.
"You didn't have to do that," he gasped, when he recovered the
ability to speak.
Angel shrugged. "You'd have taken her out -- eventually. But
she was right about one thing..."
"I have *not* lost my edge," Spike snapped.
Angel let out a humorless laugh. "No, but you really are too
tender-hearted. She was a non-starter, Spike. I could see it the
moment I walked in. I was watching the way she was watching
you while Fred was giving her report. She was eyeing you like
a slab of prime steak just about ready to come off the grill."
Spike sighed. "The ability to change isn't always obvious to
see. Nobody would have guessed where I was headed if they
saw me ten years ago."
Angel gave Spike a long look.
"I'm not so sure about that. There's always been something 'off'
about you."
Spike hung his head. "Well, thanks for the assist," he said,
sounding like he didn't mean it at all.
"You don't get to blame yourself," Angel said, irritation
creeping into his voice, even if he was trying to be supportive.
Spike paused, his back to the souled vampire. "I'm not feeling
like I've done much good these past few days. Taking Maria
away just delayed Knox's work -- which was good work, even
if he was doing it the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.
And even if Maria hadn't come around yet, she might have
someday. No chance of that now that she's dust."
"Spike, you ought to realize there was no way I was going to
let her walk away from here tonight," Angel said. "I couldn't.
You think that given time, she might have changed, and I can't
say you're wrong. But I also know, with absolute certainty, that
even if she reformed two weeks from now or two years from
now, in the meantime, she was going to kill people. You gave
her a chance and she didn't take it. It's not your fault."
Spike shook his head. "I thought I could do something that
would help someone. But apparently, I can't."
"Come on," Angel said, pushing down his irritation with
Spike's self-flagellation. "I've got a fine bottle of single malt
whiskey back at the office. There's nothing better for feelings
of inadequacy."
"Inadequacy? Not likely, mate."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "This mean you don't despise me
anymore?"
"Nope. I reserve the right to despise you until the mountains
crumble to dust, or the Dodgers move back to Brooklyn --
which ever comes first."
"Good. If you started liking me, that would really give me the
wiggins."