Author: Elsa Frohman Feedback:elsa@frohman.net Rating: PG Spoilers: S6 through Riley's departure in As You Were, then AU. Archiving: Please ask, I'm easy Summary: This is the second of 25 ficlets counting down to
September 24, when Buffy comes back to our television screens
in the United States.
March 23, 2002
Buffy watched Riley and Sam rise into the sky. She glanced
around at her friends and sister. They were all watching with
the rapt attention of true believers privileged to be witnesses to
a miracle.
So why did she feel she'd just been patted on the head? Riley
had been *so* understanding. Too understanding -- the word
was patronizing. Where did he get off with offering to kill her
current significant other?
Why couldn’t she say boyfriend? She'd said "I'm sleeping with
Spike." Wouldn't it have been less embarrassing to say: "He's
my boyfriend?"
Why couldn't she call him her boyfriend? Dumb question,
probably because they'd just caught him with dangerous demon
eggs in his bedroom. The Slayer -- the Warrior of the People --
couldn't have a dangerous criminal for a boyfriend, could she?
Buffy steeled herself. It was time to take action. She couldn't
keep drifting this way. It was easy to be with Spike and not ask
any questions about what he did when she wasn't around. Much
too easy.
Time for action. She moved far enough away that the others
couldn't hear what she was saying and pulled her phone out of
her purse. She hit the memory dial for Tara's number and the
witch's answering machine picked up.
"Tara, this is Buffy. I need to talk to you. Could you come by
the Doublemeat tomorrow afternoon? Sorry to keep asking you
to drop into the Seventh Circle of Hell, but I'm in enough
trouble at work as it is. No way I can take another day off this
week. If you can't make it, give me a call, otherwise, I'll expect
you for my three o'clock break." March 24, 2002
Buffy showed Tara to a seat in the break room and sat down
across from her.
"I'm sorry to lay this on you…" she began haltingly.
"It's OK, Buffy. I'm flattered that you want my advice."
"You're the only one I can talk to …"
"Because I'm the only one who knows about Spike."
"Yeah -- except not exactly. Riley knows now."
"Sooner or later, people are going to find out, Buffy." Tara said
carefully. "I know coming out is difficult. Goddess, do I
know… But after the shock, I think you'll find that it makes
everything easier."
Buffy looked down at the table between them. "It's not so much
the telling I'm worried about right now. It'll be hard -- but I
think I can deal with it." She paused searching for the right
words. "I don't know whether there's going to be anything to
tell."
Tara waited for her to go on.
"I don't know what I feel about Spike. Oh, that's not a huge
thing. I know I don't have to decide whether he's the love of my
life just to be with him. Being together is how you find out of
someone is the love of your life…"
"But?"
"I think I've come to a point where I have to make up my mind
about whether Spike is -- reliable."
"You think he's cheating on you?"
"No -- I really don't. I mean, Spike's a lot of things, but he's not
unfaithful," Buffy said with a sigh. "No, it's not cheating on me
I'm worried about. It's cheating -- in general.
"I guess what I'm worrying about is whether someone with my
calling can be with someone who's -- not always on the right
side of the law.
"I mean, something happened last night. I found out he was
involved in something bad. Nothing came of it -- but how can I
keep being with him if he's doing stuff like this when I'm not
around?
"Like his crypt. He's been redecorating. You should see it --
Oriental rugs, candles, coffee tables, a microwave. Where's he
getting the money to buy all this stuff? It's not like he has a
job…"
"I always sort of assumed Spike doesn't *buy* much of
anything," Tara said, avoiding Buffy's eyes.
"Exactly."
"So, you want to break up with him because he steals? Have
you asked him about it? I mean, I get the impression he'd do
almost anything for you. Maybe he'd give up stealing."
"Or smoking, or insulting Xander. Yeah -- I think he would.
But I wonder if I should. I mean, you're not supposed to get
with a guy and then start remaking him into someone else -- at
least that's what I've always thought. Shouldn't I be looking for
a guy who is already somebody I can be with?"
Tara considered for a moment. "I think Spike has changed a lot
since I first met him. Remember when my family tried to take
me away? And he proved I wasn't a demon? He was really rude
-- even though he was helping me. It was like he didn't know
how to be nice -- which isn't such a stretch when you think
about his history.
"But since then, he's been a lot nicer to me. And it seems to me
that he's been learning how to get along with humans. Maybe
you should give him a chance. Maybe he just needs a reason to
take the next step."
"If it was just petty theft, I could do that," Buffy said quietly.
"But what Riley showed me he was into -- it was a lot worse
than stealing rugs."
"Buffy, have you considered…" Tara stopped, looking for the
right words. "When you broke up with Riley, wasn't it after
Spike showed you he was visiting those … vampires?"
Buffy nodded.
"Does it strike you as a coincidence that you're thinking about
breaking up with Spike after Riley showed you something he's
into? I mean, not that coincidences don't happen…"
Buffy's eyes widened. "You think that Riley set him up?"
Tara shrugged. "How would I know?"
"Oh, God. That makes it even harder. How can I be sure?"
"Have you talked to Spike about it?"
"He'd probably lie…"
Tara gave Buffy a sad look. "Isn't that what you said after
Glory tortured him?"
Tears were welling up in Buffy's eyes. "I know. But how can I
be sure?"
"Nobody's ever sure," Tara said gently. "Loving is about taking
chances."
"I'm sorry, Tara. I'm asking too much. I know you can't tell me
whether I can trust Spike."
"Maybe I can help."
"A truth spell? Could you put a truth spell on him?"
Tara frowned. "That would be wrong, Buffy -- unless he
agreed to it. And I think he'd be pretty hurt that you wanted to
do that. He might agree if you asked, but I don't think it would
be because he was OK with it."
Buffy nodded and avoided Tara's eyes.
"No, this is something for you. It's not like a truth spell. It's just
something that will allow you to see what's in your own mind."
"Can't I see that already?"
"There are all sorts of bits and pieces in your mind. When you
decide what you're going to do next, you pick and choose from
all the bits of information you have and come up with what you
think is going to happen. But you never use all the information
you have, and there are all sorts of biases and prejudices that
make you trust this information more than that, and affect what
conclusion you come to."
"Is this magic, or Psychology 314?"
Tara smiled shyly. "A little of both, I guess. Think of it as a
truth spell that makes you tell yourself the truth. It will give
you a vision based on all the information you have. It's not
really a vision of the future. Things happen that there's no way
you could know about -- like someone coming to town you've
never met before. It won't tell you anything you don't already
know. But it will remove all your prejudices about the things
you already know."
"It won't tell me whether Spike's likely to tell me the truth…"
"You're predisposed to think he's going to lie," Tara said
carefully. "And maybe, based on experience, that's true. But
maybe you think that way because it's hard for you to think
vampires have a choice about whether or not to lie. The spell
will remove that predisposition, and you'll be able to evaluate
how many times Spike has lied and how many times he's told
the truth -- or something like that. It's not really that technical.
We're talking about a living mind, not a computer."
"When could you do it?"
"Right now. It doesn't take any supplies or anything. And I
don't have to look it up. I use it a lot -- on myself."
"What do I have to do?"
Tara got up and came around behind Buffy's chair. She put her
hands on either side of Buffy's head, about an inch away from
her hair.
"Should I close my eyes?"
"No, look at the far wall an focus on one thing."
Buffy glanced at the depressing vomit-green paint and looked
for something to focus on. The calendar -- March 24 -- the
month just big enough for her to read over the number 24, that
filled most of the square of white paper. She concentrated on
the number. Twenty-four… she heard Tara chanting softly.
Twenty four. The 24th of March. Today is March 24…
The calendar said it was March 24. She was in her own kitchen
looking at a calendar with pictures of puppies. She was sitting
at the table looking at the calendar. She shook her head. She
was supposed to be doing something. What was it?
The microwave dinged and she turned to see what was in it. A
coffee mug. She took it out and stared at the dark red liquid.
Blood -- of course. This vision was supposed to be about Spike
-- so it only makes sense that he's here. She heard footsteps and
turned.
He crossed the kitchen and took the mug. "Thanks, pet. Just
right," he said with a smile, taking a deep drink.
She watched him drink, wondering what she should do.
He was wearing dark trousers and a gray turtleneck sweater.
His platinum hair was in soft curls, but still cut short. Buffy
wondered where his ubiquitous black jeans and T-shirt had
gone. He noticed her stare and gave her a questioning look.
"Something stuck in my teeth? Fly open?"
"Um… no…"
"Something the matter?"
She shook her head.
"We'd better get going then. Reservation is at 7."
"Reservation?"
"You OK, love?"
"I think so. Just having a … senior moment. Where are we
going again?"
Spike looked concerned. "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Just tell me where we're going."
"Where we always go on March 24th. Bernardi's.
Anniversary… hello?"
"Our anniversary?"
"You had someone else in mind?"
"I'm sorry. Just a little confused, I guess. How many years has
it been?"
"Look, Buffy, you're beginning to worry me. If you don't feel
up to it, we can stay in tonight."
"Just tell me how many years!" Buffy snapped.
"Twenty," he replied, holding up his hands in a sign of
surrender.
"Sorry…"
"Should I call and cancel?" Spike asked carefully.
"We've been married for twenty years," Buffy said slowly,
trying to understand what was happening. She'd expected
something fairly surreal as a vision. But this felt as real as --
standing in her own kitchen and talking to Spike -- except for
the 20 years into the future thing.
"Married?" Spike said with a surprised laugh.
"We're not married?"
"Has somebody put a spell on you?" Spike asked, frowning.
"No… well, yes… sort of… It's hard to explain."
"No, pet. We're not married. I've asked you many times. You
always turn me down."
"Why?"
"You tell me. The offer's always been open."
"Spike -- I need to ask you something."
"Go ahead."
"How do you earn your living?"
He blinked. "Come again?"
"What do you do?"
"I don't think I understand the question."
Buffy turned away from him. "No. You can't answer that, can
you?"
"I'm not trying to hide anything, if that's what you mean."
"No, I didn't mean that. I mean, you can't answer that --
because I don't know the answer. You can only tell me things I
already know."
Spike was silent.
"So, if I want to know what I know, I just have to ask you the
right questions."
"If you say so."
"What are we celebrating?"
"Our anniversary."
"Of what?"
"Of the first time you said …" Spike didn't finish the sentence.
He stood there looking at her expectantly.
"Oh God. I'm so afraid to admit it, that I can't even say it to
myself."
"It will be all right, Buffy. Believe me. You don't have to be
afraid."
"I have to say it. You can't say that I said it until I actually say
it."
"I'm not sure what you're on about, pet. But you're probably
right."
"Were you planning to sell those Suvolte eggs on the black
market?"
"Buffy! How can you think I would do something like that?"
"You didn't answer the question."
"How can I? You haven't asked it yet."
"What do you mean I haven't asked… oh. You're right. I
haven't. This isn't real. It feels real. But you're just me talking
to myself. This isn't going to do any good at all."
"Isn't it?"
"I'm not going to learn anything I don't already know."
"And what do you know?"
"You tell me."
"You know that I'll never leave you. You know that I'll do
anything necessary to stay near you. You know that if you ask
me, I'll change the nature of the universe to make it better for
you. You know that I love you."
Buffy felt a lump forming in her throat. "If I know all that, why
can't I say I …"
"It doesn't matter, pet. I'll wait as long as it takes…"
"Will you?"
"You know I will."
"March 24. Today. I must believe I'm going to tell you today."
"Or next year," Spike said with a smirk.
"Or the year after that…"
Buffy looked at Spike -- those beautiful blue eyes. She could
get lost in those eyes. It should be easy to say it -- to a man
with those eyes. But …
She felt Tara's hand on her shoulder. The calendar came back
into focus. The big 24 printed on white paper. No puppies on
the calendar. No kitchen. No Spike.
"I think your break is ending," Tara said uncertainly.
"Oh… yeah. I only get 15 minutes."
"Did it help?"
Buffy closed her eyes and thought for a moment.
"Maybe. I don't know, yet. There's something else I have to
do."
"I'd better go now."
"Yeah. Thanks. I really appreciate your help. I mean, it's good
having someone I can talk to."
Tara smiled. "Any time, Buffy."
Buffy sighed. Two more hours of foisting texturized vegetable
protein disguised as meat on an unsuspecting public.
When Buffy came down the ladder, Spike was standing in the
middle of his ruined bedroom.
"I thought you'd be off snogging the soldier boy," he said
bitterly.
"He's gone."
"So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown
up, but then, that was never our…"
"I'm not here to…"
"Oh, then this is worse. This is you telling me…"
"No. It's not. This is me asking you what the frigging hell you
thought you were up to."
Spike looked at her in surprise.
"And if I told you, would you believe me? The enormous Boy
Scout told you I'm an international arms dealer. And he never
tells a fib, right?"
"Leave Riley out of it. Riley is history. He's a mistake I made
way back when. I want to hear what you say. You're going to
tell me what was going on here and I'm going to believe
whatever you tell me, because if I can't believe you, I have no
business being with you at all."
"That's it? I tell you and you believe me?"
"That's the idea."
"Who are you and what have you done with my Buffy?"
"I'm not laughing, Spike. I'm serious. I want to know what was
going on here."
Spike frowned.
"I don't think you're going to like this story, pet."
"I don't care. Spill."
Spike took a deep breath. "All right. I run into this guy at
Willy's. He asks me if I want to pick up a quick $500…"
Buffy listened, her face set in a mask of displeasure. He went
on for some time and in some detail. He was right. She didn't
like it much. But it wasn't as bad as Riley implied.