Feedback:elsa@frohman.net Rating: PG Spoilers: Through the end of Season 6 Disclaimer: We don't need no steenking disclaimer Note: Many thanks to Mezzibelle and Kelly, who did a great
job beta-ing. Summary: Spike meets up with Willow and Giles in Devon
where Willow is undergoing magic rehab.
There was a sliver of sunlight coming through the imperfectly
closed drapes when Spike woke. It wasn't a problem; it fell
across the floor at the foot of the twin bed. Still daylight, he
thought. Get up and go down to the pub, or go back to sleep?
A knock on the door made up his mind.
"Just a minute," he said. He got up and stepped into his jeans
before opening the door. He was still fastening his belt when
Willow came into the room carrying a tray with a mug on it.
"Brought you something to eat," she said with a mirthless little
smile.
Spike sniffed the cup. "Not pig... rabbit?"
Willow nodded. "Went by the local butcher. They thought my
request was a little strange, but they were dressing out a bunch
of rabbits today, so this was the easiest thing to get."
He took a sip. "Different -- not bad. Thanks, Will. I'm pretty
hungry. Haven't eaten in a couple of days. I don't think I ever
really appreciated how easy it is to get an unusual food order
filled in Sunnydale." He gave her a smile.
"Yeah, there's a pretty substantial 'special needs' market back
home. Anya is always going on about filling niche orders."
"So, what have you been up to?" he asked after drinking down
the blood. He went to where his shirt was hung over the back
of a chair and slipped into it, leaving it unbuttoned for the
moment. With the window and curtains closed, the room was
warm and a bit stuffy.
"Oh, the usual. Had my regular morning 'therapy' session with
Ellen from the coven. Went for a little walk with Giles to clear
my head. Came back and had lunch downstairs. Went to the
butcher's to see about blood for you. I got a couple of quarts,
by the way. They've got it down in the fridge in the pub.
They'll warm it up for you if you ask."
"Thanks. Appreciate you thinkin' of me."
He could see that she had something she wanted to talk about.
She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and looked
around the little room as if looking for something to comment
on to keep the conversation going.
Spike motioned her to the chair and sat down in the end of the
bed facing her. The stripe of light peeking through the curtains
fell across the chair and her head, painting a streak of ruby in
her hair.
"Somethin' you want to talk about, pet? Might as well come out
with it. I won't bite you," he said with an ironic smile.
"Why did you do it?"
"Do what?" He paused, frowning. "You mean attack Buffy?"
"No, that's ancient history. Why did you get a soul?"
"What, everybody doesn't want one?"
"Angel never did."
Spike sat frowning for a moment. "I can't tell you what
motivates Angel, sweetheart. You'd think I'd know. Known
him longer than just about anybody 'cept Dru and Darla. But I
gotta tell you, he's a mystery to me. Taught me what I needed
to survive, once upon a time, but for the life of me, I don't
know how he's lasted himself.
"If there weren't a lot of things that I enjoy -- if there weren't
things to take pleasure in -- I'd never have made it this long. I'd
have given up and said good morning, sunshine. But Angel
seems to avoid anything that might give him pleasure."
"Well, he does have the 'happiness clause' problem," Willow
reminded him.
"Yeah, but think about it. Angelus liked being evil. Believe me
he did. More than I ever did. And he never asked to be cursed.
So what's keeping Angel from grabbing a bit of happiness and
going back to a life where he can be as happy as he wants?"
"His soul?"
"I don't know. Don't think it'd stop me -- if I was in his place."
"So, if you can't see why Angel hangs onto his soul, why did
you go to get one?"
Spike frowned. "Couldn't go on the way I was. That's for sure.
"I was nothing. Chip kept me from being what I'm supposed to
be. And try as hard as I could, I couldn't make the other way
work either. I was stuck -- caught between. Couldn't go one
way, couldn't go the other."
"You weren't doing so bad. We'd have never got through last
summer without you."
"I wasn't doing so good, either. I could run faster and longer,
hit harder than any of you. But you stopped needing me even
for that when Buffy came back."
"We all let you down," Willow said sadly. "Couldn't be
bothered with you once we had our Slayer back."
"Don't guess I blame you. A castrated vampire -- not much
good for anything."
"Everything went so wrong," Willow said sadly. "You weren't
the only one lost. I was wrong to bring Buffy back, though I
don't know how any of us could have known ..."
"Not sayin' I blame you for wanting her back," Spike said
quietly. "Nothin' I wanted more."
"But you wouldn't have done it..."
Spike shook his head. "You knew that. That's why you froze
me out."
Willow took a deep breath. She swallowed hard and looked at
the floor. "I'm sorry."
Spike gave her a sad half-smile. "It's OK now. Rupes says the
Slayer is pretty much back to herself. So, I guess in the end I
gotta think you did the right thing."
Willow shook her head. "No. It wasn't right. Maybe part of the
wrongness has healed, but it doesn't make what I did right. And
even if she's coping now, it's never really going to be right for
her. She was in heaven -- and I took that away from her. I'll
never be able to make that up."
"Doesn't do any good to keep beating yourself up. What's done
is done."
Willow nodded.
"I want to ask you for something," she said slowly, avoiding
his eyes and looking at the worn rug beneath her feet.
"Ask. If I can help you, I will."
"I want you to do for me what you did for Buffy."
Spike looked at her in surprise. "Giving up on the girl-on-girl
thing, pet?"
Willow gasped in horror and blushed as she realized what he
thought she meant.
"No! Not that! I wasn't even thinking about that!"
Spike chuckled. "Damn! Another conquest failed."
"Oh, don't be silly. You're not interested in..."
"I'd bite you in a heartbeat!" Spike said, smiling broadly.
"Oh!" Willow started to laugh. The memory of another time --
a time when she had been sad, but even at what she thought
was the saddest moment of her life, she had been happier than
she was now. A dorm room -- Spike trying to bite her and
jerking back in pain because the chip he didn't even know he
had yet wouldn't let him go through with it. She remembered
and couldn't suppress the giggles that came bubbling up from a
time when everything seemed simpler and less threatening.
They laughed together, remembering the ridiculousness of their
aborted dance of death.
"Nice to see I can make you laugh," Spike said when the
laughter subsided.
"Thanks, I needed that."
"So, what is it that I used to do for Buffy that you want me to
do for you?"
"You always used to watch her back."
Spike gave her a questioning look. "Gettin' ready to fight a
demon, pet?"
"Yeah, a really bad-ass demon."
Spike raised an eyebrow.
"It's called Willow Rosenberg."
He gave her a questioning look and waited for her to go on.
"This isn't working. And I don't think it's going to," Willow
said plaintively. "There's only one way it's going to work. I've
got to do it myself."
"The coven can help you," Spike said evenly. "Nothing wrong
with letting people help you."
"They can't. They mean well, but... And this restraining spell --
I can't seem to stop fighting it. As long as I'm tensed up against
that, I can't open up far enough."
"Would you be safe without it?"
Willow shook her head.
"Give it time, pet. When I got this chip," he said, tapping his
head. "I thought it was going to kill me. For a long time I was
fighting it -- always tense, waiting for the jolt when I stepped
over the line. Lookin' for a way to make it go away. But I got
used to it."
"Would you be safe without it now?"
Spike thought for a moment. "Yeah -- most of the time. But I
can't be certain. Truth is, I don't really mind it now. Safety net.
I don't have to worry about losing my temper and doing
something I'd really regret."
"But it took a long time..."
"Yeah."
"I can't wait that long."
"What's your alternative?"
"I think I can do it -- without them. It's just..." Willow stopped
and searched for the right words. "It's going to be dangerous."
"Then maybe you should just be patient..."
"No! I'm going to do this -- with or without your help." Her jaw
was set in grim determination. There was something a little bit
frightening in her eyes.
"Will," Spike said carefully. "Isn't this the attitude that got you
in trouble in the first place?"
Willow nodded, avoiding his eyes.
"I know. But that's why I need your help. You understand,
don't you Spike? You've been bound this way. You know what
it feels like."
"Yes, I do. But I think you're making a mistake."
"I'm going to do it. Are you going to help me?"
"And what if I march myself out of here and tell Giles what
you're planning?"
"I don't think that's your style."
Spike frowned.
"I can't go on this way," Willow pleaded.
"What do you want me to do?" Spike said with a resigned sigh.
"If it starts to go wrong, I want you to stop me."
Spike looked exasperated. "Stop you? How would I do that?
Give you a severe scolding?"
"You know -- stop me."
"Red, I can't do that."
"You mean you won't."
"I mean I can't. You know about my chip."
"Nothing I'm asking you to do will make your chip go off."
"Let's be honest, Red. What you're worried about is getting
hold of what they're trying to get out of you, and having it take
over. Giles told me what happened -- what you tried to do. If
you connect with that power again, you're going to break the
restraining spell like it's not there. No one will be able to stop
you. What makes you think I can?"
"You won't be on the outside."
"Meaning?"
"I mean, I'm going inside, and I want you to come with me."
"And how are you going to accomplish this under a restraining
spell?"
"There's a hole in the spell. They put it there on purpose so I'd
be able to let them in for the cleansing rituals."
"I don't know, Will..."
"With you or without you, Spike," Willow said fixing him with
a cold stare.
"Hell, Red. You're not going to leave me a way out, are you?"
"It's too important."
"To you."
"To everybody. I'm not trying to escape."
"OK, you want me to go with you and stop you if you get out
of control. What happens if I do? I want to know what I'm
getting into."
Willow took a deep breath. "We will be in a meta-verse," she
said. "You'll be with my avatar. We'll be traveling through an
imaginary landscape that represents my psyche. If the worst
happens, you kill my avatar. That's all there is to it."
"All there is to it. Right. And what happens in the real world
when I kill you in the meta-verse."
"I'll be in a coma and ... I won't wake up again."
"Damn you. How can you ask me to do this?"
"This is your big chance. You haven't been able to kill anything
since you got your chip. You get off killing things. This is your
big chance."
"Not any more, damn it. Not. Any. More."
"It's not going to come to that. You think I'd be doing this if I
thought it was going to kill me? There are easier ways to kill
myself."
"If you're hell bent to do this, do it yourself. Leave me out of
it."
"So, you're willing to take the chance that I'll fail and end up
destroying the world. You know, the coven used a lot of magic
stopping me last time. They're still recovering. Who knows if
they can stop me this time if I get started."
"Bloody hell. This isn't fair."
"Chance to test drive that shiny new soul."
"Red, if you force me to kill you, I'm never going to forgive
you."